I woke up and pulled my wrist out from under the covers, and gave it a good look. I was suddenly horrified at what I had done. This wasn't where I had wanted to go. Sure, I was distraught and left vulnerable, but that shouldn't have been the result of it. I overreacted beyond acceptance. My only hope now was to hope Inuyasha didn't find out.
Inuyasha... His face pulsed into my thoughts.
My heart skipped a beat as I thought of the way he would feel.
Let him feel that way. After the way he made you feel, he deserves it.
I shook my head briskly. No. Nobody deserves to feel pain. Not even if they've done something horrible. Although, what Inuyasha had done wasn't the worse thing that could happen. It sure didn't feel great though. A melancholy cloud set in over my heart, pressure swelling in my chest.
At least I could count on feeling myself come back again. The old fifteen-year-old Kagome Higurashi was returning. She was just caught in a small rainstorm, that's all. She'll come back. She has to.
My eyes slowly drifted closed again, letting me fall into sleep's glorious dark arms.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
The yellow bag I brought like every time, landed with a thud as I threw it over the ledge of the well. Finally back to the feudal era where I can see Shippou, Kirara Sango, Miroku, and Kaede again. Be with my friends in a way I couldn't back home. My friends there really didn't know me. Not anymore.
"Kagome!" Shippou exclaimed happily as my head peaked over the ledge.
"Shippou!" I I greeted back with a bright smile radiating over my face.
My thoughts shifted back to the endorphins I felt when I had cut myself. Happiness mirrored them. I could force a good feeling upon myself without feeling happy. I could make myself feel good no matter my mood.
I tried desperately to chase those thoughts away. Trying to force all of the thoughts of Inuyasha and the dripping blood from my head before the others caught on.
Another chorus of shouts came from not too far away as I laid eyes on Miroku and Sango, walking slowly up the path.
"You left in such a rush last night we weren't sure if you would be back today." Sango said, looking a little worried.
"Shippou thought you would be back, so he insisted on staying by the well. Good thing he did!" Miroku chimed in, matching Sango's worried tone.
"What happened last night anyways, Kagome?" Sango asked, her worry increasing.
"I had just remembered that my grandfather was really sick before I had left last time, and was worried about him." I said, hoping nobody caught onto my lie.
They all looked very hesitant, not wanting to believe me. It wasn't like the look of trust they had given Inuyasha before he lied to them. Then again he was better at lying than I was, as I knew well enough. When I had left I looked more than a little frantic, and tears were already forming in my eyes.
"A-alright, Kagome..." Miroku said at last, "Just try and let us know before we watch you run out of the hut with your things in your arms next time."
I nodded, and put my bag around my shoulders. I was suddenly hyper-aware of the razor I had packed so I could shave my legs. A sick twisted part of me thought that I had only packed it to cut myself more, but my rational side was trying to banish the thoughts. This was becoming an addiction. One I might not be able to shake so easily.
"So how is your grandfather?" Sango asked politely.
"He's much better now. My mom said that he'll be out of bed in a week or so." I forced a smile.
"That's good." I wasn't sure how to respond to that.
We suffered a long awkward silence on the way back to the hut. Kirara was sleeping next to Kaede, who was stroking her fur gently. Kaede smiled when she saw me.
"Kagome! Are ye alright? You seemed upset last night." Kaede had the same worry in their brow as everyone else did.
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," I said trying to keep my voice calm, "I was really worried about my grandfather that's a-all." My voice broke, giving up the flimsy facade that everyone already thought was fake.
Everyone looked at me. I could feel my face turning red, the heat burning all the way from my ears to my throat. My body continued to shake and tremble with fear. I was definately found out now.
"Kagome?" Sango asked, resting a hand on my shoulder to steady me.
There were stars everywhere. Black litte spots all in my vision. I felt like I was about to throw up as well. I had to get out of here.
"I-I think I'm going to go take a bath." I announced, hoping that I would calm down in the heat of the water would soothe my rampant nerves.
I grabbed my back and hurried to the Onsen just past the hut. The farther away I ran, the slower my breathing got. My tremors were slowing and I was beginning to feel better. The nausea was the only lasting side effect.
At last, I made it to the Onsen, and set my bag down. I closed my eyes as I peeled my clothes off, letting them drift to the ground. The water was so warm and allieviating to my stress and embarrasment.
Maybe nobody had noticed and I had overreacted again. Maybe they just thought I was still a little worried and that's why my voice broke. And maybe they were all just stupid, too.
No, they already didn't believe me. The hitch in my voice was an immediate warning sign to a lie. If only I could lie like Inuyasha. He didn't even have to think about it, and lies were flowing from his lips with ease. I wasn't a bad liar per se, but lying was hard for me.
I sighed, letting the steam surround my face, washing away all thoughts of him. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted to lie here, and relax.
That was until I remembered my razor.
No. Kagome you're better than this. I chastised myself.
I knew all about how addicting cutting was. I knew how harmful it was. I knew the risks. I knew it all. But somehow I don't think I care. I felt as if it shouldn't be something to be ashamed of if it makes you feel better. It shouldn't be something you need to hide. But it is, and if I want to continue this, I'll have to cover it up. Somehow.
I reached into my back, feeling for the razor. When I grasped my hand around the plastic handle, I was ready to pull it out. But then someone came here.
There was a rustle of leaves and a snap of a twig. Someone was coming near. I couldn't do this now. I panicked and dropped the razor, reaching for my shampoo instead.
"Kagome?" A familliar voice called into the Onsen.
I jumped. It was Sango. "Oh, hi Sango." I said awkwardly.
"Did I startle you?" I nodded slowly, "I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk."
My body got all twitchy again. I knew it. They totally knew about it.
"O-okay, Sango. What is it?"
"Well I figured you could tell me." Her chocolate brown eyes peered deep into mine, searching for some sort of answer.
"Tell you what?" I was trying my hardest to evade the question.
"Why did you really leave last night."
"Well... I-I, I saw..." My words were just a jumble all trying to come out in a rush that none came out at all.
"You saw Inuyasha didn't you." Her eyes were now drowining in sorrow and pity.
Again, I nodded slowly. Trying not to break my mask. "Y-yeah. I saw him with Kikyo."
"Miroku and I saw him as well when we were scoping the area for any sort of lead or dangers that we would need to know about, seeing as Inuyasha supposedly wasn't supposed to be here. We saw him and Kikyo walking around the forest, just sort of talking. Kikyo gave a bitter laugh here and there, but I don't think Inuyasha was all that pleased to see her. He looked very unhappy. Worried, even."
I sighed. Everyone seemed to be worried these days. About something or another.
"He didn't seem so unhappy to me. When I had shown up he had already taken the liberty to plant his lips on hers."
Sango's heart-shaped face turned ghostly pale. She obviously hadn't seen that part. "I... I had no idea..." Her eyes slowly looked down to the water. She was filling me with more of her sorrow and pity.
She merged her brows together unexpectedly. "Kagome? Where did you get this?" She touched my wrist where the scab was. I pulled back. I didn't want her to see any more of the sensitive part of the skin than she already had. I couldn't let her know, nor could I let anyone else.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Things are still getting in motion, so not a lot is really going to happen. Maybe by next chapter things will pick up.